Insanity's finer points

My grandmother on my father's side was in a state institution for a large portion of her life and then later in various nursing homes. I never really knew exactly why. I only know the bits and pieces that my father told me. My grandfather was a controlling, abusive and non emotional type person. He didn't talk much but he sure wielded an iron fist when he was angry.

I barely remember him. He died when I was five years old. He was a frail little man then. I remember thinking that it was impossible that little old man could've been so mean but my father said it was so.

He was gone a lot my grandmother had told me. He always told her that he'd write when he had found work. He traveled the area looking for any kind of a job he could find. He worked mostly in coal mines and hard labor such as that.

My father was born in 1934. They never had anymore children. I found that to be very odd because back then people always had large families. My dad was an only child and if you asked him if he knew why, he would just look away and change the subject.

My family was always shrouded in a veil of secrecy. I never understood any of it and I still don't to this day. They are all gone now. My grandmothers, grandfathers, my mother and my father. They have all long since passed from this earth. I tried to get answers but I met up with one after another person that wouldn't talk. It seemed there was a story there, but no one was willing to tell it.

I never knew my father's family. He wouldn't go near them. I only met his Aunt Jenny. She is a Cherokee Indian and she is as feisty as they come. But even she didn't really offer much in the way of explanations.

I guess back then, that was the way you behaved. You kept the bad things to yourself. You didn't talk about them, you didn't try to decipher them. You just kept them tucked away inside. It wasn't anyone's business.

I remember traveling to Athens, Ohio as a young girl to visit my grandmother in the institution. It sat on top of a huge hill. It was away from everything else in town. It was a frightening place with huge iron doors that shut loudly behind you. Each corridor was a series of doors and hallways. It seemed as if you were never getting out. They were endless. Then the wards themselves where like a big open room with rooms off to the side; much like what you saw in the movie, "Girl, Interrupted."

I remember one visit rather well. Grama wasn't herself. She didn't even seem to recognize us. They told me later that she received frequent shock therapy treatments and would go into a sort of hibernation for weeks afterward. I wandered around the ward and saw a woman who had a baby crib and a rocking chair in her room. She was sitting in the chair, rocking and cradling her arms as if she had a baby in them. Later, when I was older, the explanation was offered to me that she had lost her baby and then just never recovered. I remember thinking how sad that must be to be trapped in your own mind like that.

That place terrified me but you did not divulge such things to my parents. Even at five years old I remember thinking to myself not to cry. I had to be brave or daddy would be angry at me. I had to be good or mom would cry. Mom cried all the time so that wasn't something I wanted to cause her to do more. But I was afraid and I was glad when they said grama didn't live there anymore. I never wanted to go there again. To this day, I hate hospitals and that type of a setting. It reminds me of that place. That awful, frightening, scary, sad place.

And so this leads me far into the future. This brings me to where I am now. My children are grown and unhappy with me. Every failing their life has brought them of course is my fault. I wasn't this or I wasn't that. And I look back and think that maybe I'm a little bit like grama. Maybe I have my own little insanity going on and just didn't realize it. Maybe we all do.

I realize now that my thoughts race sometimes and what I felt ten minutes ago might be the polar opposite of what I feel now. Sometimes I become inundated with the thoughts and memories from the past that are so strong that I feel like I'm struggling to break away from them.

I think I've lived each and every day thinking that this might be the day that I end up like grama. That's a pretty scary thing to think you will end up inheriting. Now I realize that insanity isn't really inherited, but I know that chemical imbalances and mental health issues can be and since I don't really know what happened to grama, I guess that's worries me about myself.

Maybe the best part of insanity is the sanctity that you find inside it. You can submerge yourself within your own mind and stay there for days. No one questions you. No one tries to sort you out or seek you out. You are unreachable. It's like shutting the phone off and locking the door and refusing to acknowledge anyone else in the world exists. It's the eye of the turbulent storm that rages around you. It's almost a welcome break. It shields me from the outside world when it becomes too much to bare.

I don't know if I'm truly insane. I just know that sometimes I think things that just don't seem normal but then again, I can't hear anyone elses true thoughts so I'm not sure what is normal. Maybe everyone feels and thinks exactly like me. I'm guessing they don't though.

I'm not ever going to be mother of the year. I wasn't the best wife in the world and I don't imagine that anyone would claim I've been a wonderful girlfriend either. I'm difficult, moody, easily angered and high strung. I tend to be dogmatic about some things and in other things I'm just benevolent.

I have however always tried to be a good, moral, decent, honorable human being that helps others in any way that I can. I believe in God and I try to live by the ten commandments. I apologize when I'm wrong and I fight fiercely when I'm right and I'm not too egotistical to consider that even when I think I'm right, I might not be. I have strong opinions that I stick by but I also admire and respect other peoples opposing opinions. I try to do a good job at work.

My biggest fatal flaw would be that I expect too much from myself and I always try to be perfect for everyone. I feel like I can't ever let one person down. If I do, I fail. That's a big hat to try to wear everyday. It's a tall order to try to be everything for everyone especially when the only one that you are neglecting is yourself.

Learning when to let go

I've always been the type of person that wants to solve each little mystery. I guess I enjoy the puzzle end of it. If there's a problem, then I want to figure out a solution for it. I love crossword puzzles and I take great pride in completing one.

At work, I'm a problem solver. I'm the one that everyone comes to whenever they have a problem they can't seem to work out. I may not have an answer but I can usually help them find that they had their own answer all along.

Then occasionally, a problem comes along that is so epic, so personal and so traumatic that it begs to be solved. There is almost a sense of knowing that if I don't solve it, I might not be anymore.

I have found such a problem.

I have two daughters. One is 25 and has three children and one on the way, the other is 18 and has a child as well. While they both have given me fits, the problem lies with the 25 year old.

This child has always been so very difficult. She has always had to have her way and would find a way to get her way even if it meant lying, cheating and stealing. She wasn't taught any of this, but she seemed to take to it like a fish to water anyhow.

In February 2007, I learned first hand what she was willing to risk to get her way. On February 13, 2007, Federal Marshals in cooperation with ICE (Immigration) raided my daughters house and took away her three children. She did a small amount of time in jail and was released on her own signature bond. Because the nature of her crime was defrauding the United States Government and the case originated in Virginia, many trips to Virginia from Ohio ensued over the past 15 months.

My daughter was helping illegal immigrants get documents and id's from the Department of Motor Vehicles here in Ohio. While I knew she had to be doing something wrong because she always had a big supply of cash and neither her nor her boyfriend worked, I didn't know exactly what it was she was doing.

This nightmare has drug on for over a year. Last week in Federal Court, she was sentenced to a year and one day in a Federal Penitentiary. She doesn't know which one yet. They delayed her report date because she is currently pregnant for her fourth child. One that I suspect she conceived in an effort to possibly avoid prison which failed miserably.

Her lies from the past are now coming back to haunt her one at a time. She didn't want to go to school so she'd make up wild excuses why she couldn't go and if I made her go anyhow, she'd make wild accusations to school officials. None of it was ever true or founded, however the damage was done as I had a file with Children's services in the state of Ohio. This has stopped me from being able to take her children. They are in foster care as I type this and they have been there for nearly fifteen months now.

She blames anyone and everyone for the mess she's put herself and her children in and has no accountability whatsoever for her actions.

Now the state is saying they will put the children up for adoption and there isn't one thing I can do about it. I've let it tear me apart. I've cried for days, weeks, months. I've made phone calls, I've contacted attorneys whom all say in Ohio, grandparents have no rights and are by and large overlooked as possibly places to place foster children. One attorney said he might be able to take the case with thirty thousand dollars up front and no guarantees that he could do anything.

She's fighting the state from trying to take the baby she is about to deliver even though she has no way to take care of it and she is going to prison in July of this year.

It's an impossible situation for which I have no solution and no resources to find one. The hardest thing in my life that I've ever had to do is what I'm about to do and that is just let go. Let go and put it in God's hands and pray that He will guide the children.

Part of me knows that this is for the best because my daughter cannot raise these children. She has far too many problems that will be compounded once she is released from prison and labeled a convicted felon and an ex-con. If by the grace of God I could've taken the children, she would've demanded them back upon her release. This way they will find families that will love them and help them grow and they'll be adopted so she cannot interfere.

I realize that a lot of you reading this will be shaking your heads going no way would I allow this to happen but trust me when I tell you, you can't possibly know until the decision is real and in your hands. This is a situation that you cannot feel the true depth of unless you are engrossed in it.

Making this decision was crucial for my own self preservation. I had to let it all go or let me go. One way or the other, some big change was coming. One was definitely not going to have the preferred outcome. That was letting me go. In the end, all you really have is yourself and your heart and your soul and what you believe to be right and wrong. If at the end of the day you can live with the decisions you've put forth, then you'll be all right. I think I'm going to be all right.

It's going to take a lot of time and a lot of compassion from strangers that I pray are going to give my babies what my family could not. I pray that they find homes that are full of love, passion, compassion, joy, honor, truth, dignity, fairness and full of God.

Sometimes you just have to know when to say when. Sometimes you just have to learn when to let go.

My first trip to Maryland

I'm not sure why, but I had Maryland figured all wrong. I had never been to the state and had only known one individual who was from there. I guess I thought of the state as being on the ocean and being your typical coastal type of destination with beaches and seagulls.

What a wonderful surprise to see the rolling mountains and the absolutely beautiful vistas. I was amazed at the perfect looking cities that dotted my course.

Everything about the state seemed to welcome you. The people were very friendly and it seemed as if everything was at a slower pace.

Even from the Interstate, the views were spectacular. Rock formations covered with trees and dotted with houses and farms. Everything there seemed fresh and crisp. Not generic like my home state of Ohio.

As far as scenic beauty, this state takes the cake and I've seen most of the United States with exception to New England.

Even the quaint signs, warning you to watch for wildlife showed a depiction of a deer and a bear, were absolutely adorable.. I thought it fabulous that I might get to see a bear meandering along side the road but alas it did not happen.

Cumberland, Maryland looked like the most wonderful place on earth. It looked like a town that would have been featured on a Post Card. Beautiful churches and lovely houses that lined up to make the most eye pleasing city you could imagine. The interstate wound through it and even the interstate seemed to morph into something quaint and beautiful through that stretch. I remember driving and thinking wow I could live here!

There were numerous state parks and overlooks. This would be a great place to vacation and take in the scenery. I find it odd that during the summer, you hear advertisements for all states near it but never Maryland. It's a treasure for sure.

Foster Parenting: The Ugly Truth

There are a million statistics out there that claim that the demand for foster parenting has increased greatly in the past few years. I do believe that is true.

There are many reasons why children end up in foster care. The parent is arrested, drug abuse, sexual and/or physical abuse, and homelessness are just to name a few.

These children need a stable home where they can begin to mend from the trauma they have seen and grow up strong and educated and foster homes can provide that.

But what if the foster home is worse than the original home from which the children were taken? What happens then? Well the answer might shock and surprise you.

First, let's look at how families become foster families. I'm in the state of Ohio so I'll use it as an example. Each state has it's own laws and rules but they are similar to each other. A family wishes to become a foster parent so they apply through the Department of Jobs and Family Services. This includes a background check, a home inspection and some minimal training. Once they are approved, then the agency will place children with them that have been rescued from bad situations.

In Ohio, The Department of Job and Family Services in some counties is overwhelmed so they contract the work out. This means a non-profit organization comes along and begins to govern their own foster families and accept DJFS children. These non-profit organizations earn their monies to operate through placement and largely through donations from organizations like the United Way and private donations. In essence, if these non-profit organizations do not have enough children, then they do not earn enough money. So children become a cash source.

If you are involved in the system, you will find that it is quite possibly easier to travel to the moon than it is to get through to anyone within these departments. They will reroute your call so many times that by the time you reach someone's secretary, you have forgotten why you were calling.

So now you have a system within a system within a state. These children are literally left with these agencies with little supervision from the parent department which is state ran.

For example, my grandchildren have been placed through an organization called the Buckeye Ranch. They are located in Columbus, Ohio. They work directly through a placement company called New Leaf which is located in Circleville, Ohio. The Department of Jobs and Family Services makes a call to New Leaf. New Leaf then contacts the Buckeye Ranch to see if they have any available foster parents. If they do, then the children are turned over to the Buckeye Ranch for placement.

My grandchildren went to a foster home located in a really bad neighborhood. The foster parent makes my oldest grandson, (he is 6) walk to the bus, crossing a major street, by himself. She has also had children in her care at the same time my grandchildren have been there, that were expelled for taking guns to schools.

This foster parent has a kennel in her house. Yes, she raises dogs right inside the house. She has cats, gerbils and hamsters in there too. The children at times sleep three deep in a bed. She also has a ward in her house that is a mentally handicapped young woman. This woman is the primary care giver to all of the children. She and her husband both smoke like freight trains inside the house.

This same foster parent who is responsible for dropping the children off to be with their mother for visitation, last week, left the children in the middle of the street and drove off. She didn't check to see if the parent was home, she didn't call and she didn't knock on the door. These children are ages 6, 5 and 2.

She then left the children not asking if they had food or diapers. She sent the middle child with a pair of shoes that were about six sizes too small. She never sends them any clothing.

The children will tell you that they are forced to clean the woman's house and pick up after her biological daughter who is five and cannot talk. They are locked in their bedrooms which are fitted with alarms. She doesn't allow them to come out in the morning until 10:30 or 11:00 a.m. on non school days. She insists they call her mom.

When the children are dropped off to the mother, they are all unbathed, hair unbrushed, and fingernails long with dirt under them. Their ears are not cleaned.

As you're reading this, you might be thinking, why doesn't someone do something? Well we've tried. I have petitioned to take the children to no avail. I have reported this foster mother and have pressed child endangerment charges on her. Nothing has happened as of yet.

This is a real life view of foster parents in the bigger cities. This is Franklin County, Ohio. Columbus, Ohio is part of this county.

So if I want to file a complaint, I have to set aside at least eight hours. This allows them time to shuffle me from one person to the next and whomever I finally end up with isn't at their desk and I'm forced to leave a voicemail that is never returned.

I have petitioned my county to become a foster parent in hopes that I could get them transferred.

Ironically, the same state that says it's child welfare system is overwhelmed, also doesn't recognize the rights of grandparents. We have visitation rights and that's about all.

I'm likely going to be denied however, because I'm single and I work. I work a job that requires I work swing shift hours (a different shift each week). The caseworker for the children asked me if I could quit my job to care for them. I asked and live on what? They didn't respond.

This is just one more way the system as a whole is broken. We are failing our children on so many levels and it's all political, red tape, mumbo jumbo. You could probably fix the broken economy more easily than fix our children welfare system. The sad thing is, at least the President is working on fixing the economy.